oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
