Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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