Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
