1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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