Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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