I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
