Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
