I accidentally had phone sex last night
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
