I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
