Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize