Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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