Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
