don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
