Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
