apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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