when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
