Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
