So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
