I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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