I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
