you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
