Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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