I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
