I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
