Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
