It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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