So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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