She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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