he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
