dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
