At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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