I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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