my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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