I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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