I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
