We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
