Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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