Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Two words: nipple clamps
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