You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
