He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
