shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
