I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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