he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
