I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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