dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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