Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
