I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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