I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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