i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
