remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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