Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
