I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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