OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
