If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Randomize
