Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
