Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
