Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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