I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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