I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
