The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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