he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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