Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
